A few weeks ago I had a thought for the first time. “This must be what anxiety feels like.” Real anxiety.
I’ve been very aware of my thoughts and feelings my entire life. I can remember as early as elementary school being aware of myself and whats going on inside my head with my thoughts and emotions. Of course and unfortunately I have not mastered the way that I react to things. I have learned ways to safeguard my emotions by simply not thinking about things that excite or upset me. Very useful tactic. This situation however doesn’t allow for me to not think about it until it arrives. I am leaving everything I know for three months. Half of me is in the “It’s only three months” category. In the grand scheme of things three months is a blink of an eye. The other half of me is freaking out because I won’t be able to have a fuzzy blanket for THREE MONTHS. Among other things.
I’m still trying to process what exactly it is that I’m worried about. In my mind I have to rationalize my fears. I have to break down those stressful thoughts one by one and determine their power over me. So far, I’m pretty much stuck on the obvious. Money, I have to pay for myself not only to go on this course with tuition, gear expenses, and travel logistics. I have to pay my mortgage while I’m gone(not getting paid) I have a few other bills to pay as well. Thankfully I have very little debt for someone my age, after this I’ll have a pretty standard amount of debt I’d say. Also my job, I’m not 100% sure that they’re going to let me keep it. We have a policy for leave of absence but I have not concluded that I qualify yet. I’m really hoping that I get the leave, It would take a huge stress off of coming home. At the same time, I’m not terribly concerned. I poured my heart into my job for over a year and after two years, I’m really not happy there. I’m not actively unhappy anymore however, I’ve always believed the most simple pillars to a balanced life are time, money, and happiness. My job gives me time and money. It doesn’t make me happy. I can sacrifice one for a while, quite a while. I’ve just learned the hard way that sacrificing yourself in the happiness category takes a larger toll than the other two. If I am not granted the leave I will come back and search for something new, maybe closer to the things that I know make me happy. My family is another thing I need to prepare to be without. I will be leaving behind an amazing boyfriend and two needy kitties. I wouldn’t be able to do this without his support. He was the one that told me to stop whining about it and take action. He’s always encouraged me to get after what I really want, I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to show him how much that means to me. My Momma, she’s the only reason I’m going on this adventure at all. Her love and support means everything. I’ve never been away from either of them for that long without regular contact. Never been away from any part of my life for that long before. How much will change while I’m away? How much will I change while I’m away?
I think I’ve always been a pretty authentic version of myself. I don’t do very well at hiding how I really feel, never really saw the point. I also learn, make mistakes, and evolve all the time. I can say definitively that I am not the same person that I was last year, the notion that I would be is silly to me. And yet I am still asking myself If I’m going to be the same after this huge endeavor. I cannot possible stay the same, how can I possibly know how I will change? Why do I care?
whoscaitlin 