2019- January. Oh the resolutions! I don’t think that I’ve made actual resolutions for myself, possibly ever. Deep down I knew that if I hadn’t done anything that I “really wanted” to by December, what’s the point in pretending I have the whole next year to “start now”. I’ve never been a huge fan of trying to fool myself, out right ignoring facts/habits about myself however, is more my style.
This year feels a bit different for me. I am starting to feel the natural shift of this point in my life. I’ve just turned 27, I have a good steady job(for now), I have hobbies that make me feel fulfilled, I own a house, I have an amazing support system. It feels as though I’m in the “now what” lull. Most people my age already have children, another portion are still stuck in the partying phase, and then there’s the inbetweeners. That’s where I consider myself to be at the moment. Having kids seems to be the most logical next step for me but the thought alone still feels crippling. It’s not that I don’t think that I would be capable, I think that I would and will be an amazing mother. I am just so worried that I haven’t lived this last part of my life to its full potential.
I refuse to dwell on this feeling, the past is gone. I understand and accept that I can’t change what’s already been done, in fact I don’t think that I would want to.
Learning from your mistakes is the best way to grow as a person. I am feeling pressure lately to do the things I want to do. Get out and travel, do things that make me uncomfortable, take leaps of faith. If I don’t do it now, I’m worried that I never will. I’ve had this thought for a long time, close to ten years I’ve just never set myself up to make the choices I really want…why?
This year, I’m ready to chase after what I want. That statement still feels a little silly to me because I only loosely know what it is that I want. But I know what I don’t want, and those lists can be much shorter and easier to stand by.
whoscaitlin 