Coming to this from a different state of mind. I’ve had this overwhelming feeling lately that I almost prefer not to say out loud because I don’t want to scare it away. The past few weeks I believe that I’ve felt genuinely happy! Happiness like any emotion is fleeting, it would be silly of me to expect that I would or could always feel this way. But I’m trying damn hard to relish in these moments and really soak it all in. I want to encapsulate this time of my life into my memory and be able to revisit these days, both the exciting and the mundane.
I’m so thankful to have finally decided to devote time and energy into myself. Self care and self love are the roots of happiness. When you take time to get to know yourself and understand the way that you think its amazing how much more control you have over your emotions. Understanding how your thoughts and emotions are linked gives you the ability to release the power thoughts have over you. Finally being able to see things through your own eyes for what they are, and then choosing how to let those thoughts effect you is extremely empowering. Little more than a year ago I was sold on the mindset that “I am the way that I am”. What a load of BULLSHIT. Looking back I can really only laugh at myself. I know I’ve mentioned this in an earlier post but it’s still just ridiculous to me that I felt that way. I saw something the other day that asked to describe your current self in one word- mine is WIP. Work in frickin progress, ALWAYS. I am constantly learning new things about the world and how I interact with it. I’m learning to try new things whether it be observing rather that doing all the time, or asking questions and seeking advise from people that I look up to. There are endless ways to learn about yourself and the world around you I am so excited to finally be aware enough to start experiencing it for myself.
Thinking back to all the things that had to happen for me to get to where I am today, I’m not proud of every decision I’ve made. It takes a lot of intention to not be upset at myself for choices I made, or didn’t make, people that I hurt. Ultimately the only person responsible for my life is me, its a waste of my time to sit here and point fingers. I have the ability to reframe my thinking and move forward. Thats exactly what I intend to do.
I definitely won’t let this go without admitting that not every day is totally care free. I still go round and round in my head with all sorts of thoughts. Thoughts about my future, relationships, finding a partner, wether or not my cat will die, finding work, how to be a good human when the world is on fire. Mostly though I’m trying to focus on the now. I want to be here for this part of my life. I have given myself tools to work through the uncertainty. I am actively working towards changing myself for the better. I’m feeling more optimistic than I have in years and I’m oozing with gratitude. As complicated as life can be, I’m simply happy to be alive.
whoscaitlin 