As usual, I finally get the motivation to sit down and write something (hopefully profound) and as soon as I open the computer all of the words escape me. However, this actually feels quite fitting, the theme of late has definitely been blasé. 2020 has finally come to an end everyone was hoping that 2021 would bring renewed hope, energy, and health.
ehhh…
Admittedly its too early to officially declare this year any better or worse but covid is still very much alive, social interactions are just about dead and forgotten, you cannot eat out in restaurants, its almost the end of winter and it really hasn’t snowed (thanks global warming)..things are still weird. BUT! Trump is GONE, that alone is worth celebrating. And overall I do think that the tone of the world has gotten a little more light hearted, “We’re all in it, and over it together” vibes. I can appreciate that.
With every new year comes a time for reflection as goals. I just so happened to completely upturn my entire life one year ago this month, so it feels like an appropriate time to take a look back at everything I’ve changed, worked towards, accomplished, or need to revisit. I’ve done so much work on myself in the last year, I’m not shy in stating how proud I am of myself. I still and will always have so much more work to do, but I enjoy taking time to celebrate my small wins. It also feels really good to reread my values and some goals that I set for myself many months ago and actually be able to see the paths I’ve chosen to get to where I am now.
For the first time in a long time I was also pretty excited to write down a list of things that I’d like to do this year. I refrain from using the term “resolutions” because to me it feels empty, and like a set up for failure. I made a list and I’ll check things off as I get to them. I don’t know how much if this has to do with getting older and being more realistic, or if its some of the self love I’m learning about having grace for myself.. either way I’m into it.
I didn’t make a list last year, so I decided to make one retroactively. I made a list of all the things that I actually DID last year that I felt worthy of noting, and it was really cool! I would recommend this to anyone. I didn’t pay too much attention to chronological order just thought back and listed everything I could remember doing that I wanted to remember.
I still struggle a little to talk out loud about my 2020 experience. I recognize how extremely privileged I am to have had a year like I had, I want more than anything to remain humble. So many people had the worst year of their lives. I want to believe that I spent my entire life preparing myself for last year and the tipping point finally came whenI decided that enough was enough and I had to choose myself. I was turning into a shell of a person and I hated who I had become, I didn’t even recognize myself. Self love and acceptance is still a daily struggle for me. I really don’t know if I truly love the person that I am. I’m not sure if I have the capacity to look at myself objectively, but I’m choosing to be as honest as I possibly can and lean on the people that I love.
I think that when things are feeling “normal” again its really easy to get complacent, treating life as if you’re just going through the motions. I’m trying very hard to make sure that I stay aware and present in everything that I do. Admittedly, I don’t think that I’ve done the best job lately but life ebbs and flows. I’m thankful for that. Besides, its only January. There is an entire year ahead and I can’t wait to see what I can do next. I want to continue searching for the best version of myself and show up for the people who deserve it.
whoscaitlin 