So many things had to have happened for me to be where I am right now, it’s hard not to appreciate the magnitude of that if you really think about it. I often struggle with feeling unsettled, It’s as if I always have something better I could be doing. It’s a funny thing to be really critical of yourself but also not take any action to change.
This last year has not at all gone the way I envisioned it- and thank God for that. I am a completely different person than I was this time last year, and I love this version of myself. This month marks two full years since I completely blew up my life. I hated the person I was, I badly hurt a lot of people I cared about, and I removed myself. I think about the life I left behind a lot, I wonder who I would be if I had stayed. I try sometimes to reconcile with that part of my life but I think the damage runs too deep, and thats my burden to bear. Truly owning my bullshit has been one of the most transformative things I’ve done for myself. I kept making the same choices and wondering why my life didn’t feel any different. The idea that I had in my head about courage, and what it actually means to practice it were not aligning. The thoughts I had about who I am, truly, had to be completely dismantled and rebuilt. I had to physically remove myself from everything that I knew in order to create space to grow again.
Skipping over a whole lot here- Brain rewiring takes a lot of time, intention, and work. You have to get yourself into situations to see if you can react/behave differently. As it turns out, I can. I have put myself into situations that I NEVER expected to be in. Some of them have been amazing and beautiful, some of them have been extremely stressful and dark. However, time after time I’ve found myself doing things differently. I think differently, I see things in a different light, and the way that I interact in the world is different than it was before. I am so crazy proud of myself.
So many expectations of what my life would look like at this point have gone out the window. Although, I have also spent the last 30 years cultivating exactly the life that I’m living. People spend a lot of time thinking and hoping for the future to be brighter, saying to each other that “It’s going to be okay”. Truth is, it IS okay. Right now. Life is so fucking good.
Sitting on the brink of a huge lifestyle change I’m left feeling mixed trepidation and excitement in equal parts. I love my life right now. I have so many things to be thankful for. I have an amazing community of strong, bright, beautiful humans to look up to and share experiences with. Moving into Leavenworth in the winter has been ROUGH, coming right out of a really tumultuous relationship I don’t know if I’ve ever felt more alone. It was really hard having finally moved to my favorite place, the place I’d intended to be over a year ago and feel that way. I wanted so badly to BE better but I just wasn’t. I’d lost parts of myself in my last relationship without even realizing it. I’d sacrificed so much and gotten so little in return. I was mad, confused, and hurt. I felt the need to hide and protect myself from everything. I’ve thought a lot about the heart side of ending of relationships and the fine line between saving face, guarding shame, and telling your story.
I’m not interested in hiding ugly truths, including my own. I am not back to the version of myself that feels safe enough to be unabashedly ME yet. I can’t wait until I’m free again. But in reality I am the only person holding me hostage, and only I can release myself.
I’m working on that.
whoscaitlin 