Today I got to meet someone thats been a huge inspiration to me. I’ve followed her account on instagram for a number of years and always found myself drawn to her and her story. Something about the way that she communicates and presents herself feels authentic. I wouldn’t for one second claim to know this woman, but I have found a lot of hope, curiosity, wonder, and humanness in her words and I appreciate that so much.
I haven’t gotten to meet very many people that I really look up to that I don’t already know.. I’ve always said that I’d play it cool. I was luke-warm at best. I had so many things that I wanted to tell her. I wanted to tell her how much I appreciate “throwing your tits to the wind” and “Eccentric Aunt” energy. I wanted to tell her I also have a dream of being some sort of desert dwelling story teller and how excited I am to read her book and learn more about her story, in her words. Maybe it will help get the words out of me..
I’ve felt a lot more pressure lately to be a certain thing. Admittedly a lot of the pressure is coming from myself, I was “supposed to” be a certain person by now, have a clear trajectory, be established. I have been all of those things, and yet once again I am none of those things. I am 30 years old, single and cat-less for the first time in my adult life. I’ve sold my brand new Subaru, gotten rid of my apartment, bought and moved into a van, quit my job…and here we are.
I struggle with my own sense of identity through this because I am far from the first to make this a lifestyle. I don’t want the attention that comes with vanlife, I can’t explain why it makes me so uncomfortable. On the inside I’m fucking BEAMING. I finally did it- I’m here living one of my DREAMS. Why am I feeling so shy about it..? Shy is the nicer word I’ve chosen.
I have this nagging fucking thing on my back all the time telling me that nothing I have to say is important/enough/relevant. I feel like I want so badly to have a voice but I don’t even know what I’m trying to say..
I think a lot about what it is that I’m supposed to be doing.. My whole life our culture has been telling me a story of what life is supposed to look like at this point- and I’m left feeling confused because that’s not at all what mine looks like. I’ve tried the life of working full-time, going on a few vacations a year, having plenty of money, a committed partnership, owned a house, had brand new car, The American Dream right?
I’ve made radical changes to remove myself from all of that and allow myself time and space to BE. The way that I’ve been doing things for the last long while isn’t suiting me anymore. I need to find new ways to seek out life, and love.
I don’t feel completely unhinged but I definitely wonder if I’m testing myself to see how much change I can handle, or maybe I am running away from something..maybe I need much less to truly understand what more is.
whoscaitlin 